Learn A Little Texan

It was recently brought to my attention that I talk funny.  That may could be. I make no bones about the fact that I am a Texan.  Proud and strong.  As independent as the Great State, itself.  But, on the frozen tundra of Northern Minnesota, the people don't seem to properly appreciate my 'accent.' This coming from people who say such clever things as, "Oh, yah, ya bethchya'.  Or "Sven and I are  gonna take my boot oot on da lake, tomorroo." Or, "Did ya hear the one about Ole and Lena?"  I still haven't figured out "Uffda."  I'm not sure even THEY know what they're saying. 
Don't misunderstand my scathing review of the local nomenclature.  It's just, quite simply, not mine.  Not my native tongue.  And as mine is not thier's, we do not understand one another with the simplicity and ease afforded to cultural siblings.

So, in an effort to alleviate some of the frustrations presented when a Yankee is having a tough time deciphering my vernacular, I present to you a Bridget-English translation guide.
NOTE: This is a handy guide to use with all Texans.  While traveling in Texas, please feel free to carry this handy guide with you - trust me, you will need it.

When one travels abroad, it is usually wise to learn a few words and phrases in the native language. It is also wise to learn a little about the native culture to make you appear less touristy.
For example, should you choose to make Texas your travel destination, you should know that Texas was once its own country called the Republic of Texas.  Most Texans do not yet realize this is no longer the case. They are very sensitive about their homeland. Tread lightly.  At any point we decide to, we can legally and willfully secede from the Union and become our own country once again.  Of course, that would send the Union into a financial black hole, as Texans enjoy being a rather wealthy lot. So, we're not likely to secede, as we are a gracious people and we like knowing that y'all need us.

Texans speak a form of English (pronounced "Ainglish" in Texan), so the language should not be too much of a barrier. There are a few key differences, though. For example, I do not find the title, "Learn A Little Texan" to be ambiguous for English speakers, but it may be for a speaker of Texan (prompting one to go meet a shorter Texas native).  These are the subtleties that you need to master before your trip to the Lone Star State.  Or before you attempt to speak to a Texan.  We have no desire to learn your language.  But, it's in your best interest to learn ours.

Ah - (ah). The letter "I" or the sound produced by the long "i", as in ahce (ice), tahr (tire), lahk (like), or mah (my).

All git out - (all-git-out). To a great degree, exceedingly, or as much as possible, as in, "She was madder'n (see 'n below) all git out!"

Bald - (bald). Boiled, as in, "Cook me up a hard bald egg."

Big'o - (big-oh). Big ol', big ole, or big old, as in, "That sure's a big'o truck."

Caw - (caw). Call, as in, "Caw may (see may below) later."

Done - (dun). Done, completed, broken up, or tired, as in "the chicken's done", "we're done", or "I'm done."

Ev'thang - (ev-uh-thang). Everything, as in "Is ev'thang ah'ite (see ah'ite above)? See also thang below.

Fixin' - (fix-in). About, when used with to, pronounced "tuh", as in "I'm fixin' tuh go to the game." Or, the whole of the side dishes included with a meal when made plural "fixins", as in "We're havin' turkey and all the fixins."

Gimme - (gi-mee). Give me or give to me, as in "Gimme a break."

Get/Got on at - (get or got-on-at). To gain or to have gained employment from, as in, "Johnny's gonna' (see gonna' below) try to get on at the feedlot next week," or "Johnny got on at the feedlot last week."

Gonna' - (gun-uh). Going to. See get/got on at above.

In'thang - (in-uh-thang). Anything, as in "Do we need in'thang from the store?"

Jeetjet - (jeet-jet). Did you eat yet(?), as in, "Jeetjet? Squeat." (See squeat below).

Kicker- (kick-ur) The deciding or utmost motivating factor, the last and typically most persuasive reason or argument. As in..."and now here's the kicker..."

 

Libel'ta - (libel-tuh). Liable to, or, more appropriately, likely to, as in "He's libel'ta go off and do sumpin' (see sumpin' below) stupid."

May - (may). Me

'n - (un). Than, when following a descriptive, as in "bigger'n Dallas" or "madder'n all git out (see all git out above)."

Nuttin' - (nut-in). Nothing, as in, "I ain't got nuttin'."

O' - (o). Ol', ole, or old, an article like "the" or "a", especially when applied to persons or animals, as in "O' Scooter is good o' boy (or dog)."

-Off - (off). A condition or state of being when appended to the end of a descriptive, as in "The doc says Jim's pretty bad-off." Others include good-off, well-off, and the more familiar ticked-off, hacked-off and, of course, p'd-off.

-Out - (out). Appended to a verb to form seemingly interchangeable present tense descriptives, as in wore-out, give-out, plum-out. "He's plum wore out!"

• Note: for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in wore-out (not worn out).

Ov'air - (ohv-heir). Over there, as in, "Where are my shoes? They're ov'air."

Piddlee/Piddlee'o - (pid-lee/pid-lee-oh). Small, or a small amount, as in "Ain't you just a piddlee'o thang."

Place - (place). A particular though perhaps undefined parcel of property often preceded by a proper noun to provide definition, as in "the o' (see o' above) Johnson place." Not to be confused with the English slang "place" meaning residence, as in "my place" or "your place". If you want to invite a Texan over to your "place" and the "place" to which you are refering is a 400 sq. ft. apartment, expect to be escorted to the nearest state line.

Plum- (plum) totally or completely.  As in, "She's the plum best friend I ever had."

Purt/Purtee - (pert or perty). Pretty. Omit the last syllable when preceding a descriptive, "Joe's purt well-off (see -off above)," pronounce the last syllable when referencing attractivness, as in "She's show 'nuff (see show 'nuff below) purty!"

'R - (are). Our. (not to be confused with "are". )

The Republic of Texas.

    

   

   

 

Show 'nuff - (show-nuf). Sure enough, an intensifier (see "She's show 'nuff purty" above) or state of agreement, as in "That was some good fishin' today, wat'nit (see wat'nit below)? Show 'nuff."

Squeat - (squ-eet). Let's go eat, as in "Hungry? Squeat."

Sump'in' - (sum-pun). Something, as in "Sumpin's gotta' give."

Swate - (swate). Sweet, as in "Gimme' (see gimme above) a large swate tay (see tay below)."

Tak'n'ta - (take-un-tuh). Taking to, to have commenced or begun to enjoy, as in "He's tak'n'ta drinkin' again" or "She's really tak'n'ta him."

Thang - (thang). Thing. A universal pronoun, as in "little o' thang" or "ugly o' thang".

-Up - (up). Appended to the verb form to connote a final or conclusive condition or state of being, as in "He's gussied-up." Others include fired-up, worked-up, tied-up (not literally tied up as with ropes or chains, but similar to eat-up, see eat-up), cowboyed and/or cowgirled-up, bowed-up (agitated and aggressive or threatening).

• Note: as with -out above, for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in eat-up (not eaten-up) and tore-up (rather than torn-up, meaning emotionally wounded not ripped).

Up'dee - (up-dee). Uppity, insolent as in "You better quit bein' up'dee with your momma."

Var'mit - (var-mit). Varmint, any small animal particularly when being hunted, as in "Me and o' (see o' above) Jack went var'mit huntin' this mornin'."

Wud'nit - (wud-nit). Wasn't it(?), an interrogatory typically appended rhetorically to a statement where only agreement is sought, see show 'nuff above.

-Way - (way). Similar to -off above, as in "He's in a purt (see purt above) good-way."

Whole 'nuther - (hole-nuther). A whole other, an indicator of something altogether differen, as in "That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms."

Yankee - (yank-ee). Any person born north of the Canadian River

Yer - (yer). Your.

Yonder - (yon-der). An indication of any direction or any location other than the location of the speaker, typically following a modifier, as in "up yonder", "down yonder", "out yonder", "in yonder", "over yonder", and, when appropriate, "under yonder". Shakespearean English ain't got nuthin' on Texan.

Rules to Remember:

Should you ever find yourself in Texas without an English-Texan dictionary or standing next to Bridget when she's talkin' to fast, here are five simple rules to remember, and possibly save your hide.

1. Shed Syllables. In almost any three syllable word, you can contract out any vowel from the middle syllable to make a two-syllable word and sound more Texan.

• Examples: Italy = It'ly, Florida = Flor'da, Johnathan = John'than, Melody = Mel'dy.

2. Forget the G's. Never, ever pronounce the "g" in words endin' in "ing". This is a dead giveaway that you are a Yankee cruisin' for a bruisin'.

• Examples: Fishin', Cookin', Readin' and Writin'.

3. "L's" Are Optional. Ignore "L's" following vowels in the middle of words or simply replace them with "W's".

• Examples: Light Bub (Bulb), Code (Cold) Outside, and Caw (Call).

4. Wing It (If You Dare). Let the metaphors fly. Texan is nuttin' if not colorful, so go to town, make stuff up, invent words if you must. Alliterate, elaborate, and incorporate.

• Examples: "Heck, it's hotter'n a hog on a hot plate." Why not? Sounds Texan to me. You can also compare anything to a 3$ bill (weirder'n a $3 bill), add "fire" to any exclamation ("Crap fire boy, what's the matter with you?"), or make up inoffensive swear words (dad gum it, gosh darn it, dag nab it, dad blazes, frog-slappin', etc.).

5.  Your parents are ALWAYS Momma and Daddy.  It doesn't matter how old you are. They are always momma and daddy. End of story.

6.  Know When to Fold 'Em. One of the most popular bumper stickers in Texas reads "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could."
Excuse me while I laugh at you.  You're not a Texan. There is no citizenship test, membership card, or minimum residency requirement. You either are privileged enough to have been born in the Republic of Texas or not. It's okay if you weren't, just accept it. Go ahead, root for the Cowboys, wear your cute little outfits at the honky tonks, and display your bumper stickers. You are always welcome, you're just not a Texan...just be grateful you know one.

The Axiom of Lies

This evening I heard something that sent me straight back to my childhood on the Panhandle of Texas. It was a low-flying airplane. Instinctively I yelled, 'AIR RAID!!  The Russians are coming!  The Ruskies have found us!  Everybody under your desk!'  My body intrinsically knew to duck and get as near to the ground as possible. 

Obviously my teenage daughters froze in morbid, if not hideous, embarrassment, while I bent over in laughter at myself.  My husband kept walking and my youngest daughter asked what a Ruskie was.  Yeah.  It was time for a life lesson from mom...in the Arby's parking lot.
I started thinking about all the little bits of information that I had been spoon-fed as a child of the 80's. 

MTV did, indeed, kill the radio-star. Marty McFly could time travel in a tricked-out DeLorean.  Indiana Jones could out-wit, out-maneuver, and out-last anyone with nothing but a Fedora and a whip.   Micheal Jackson proved that zombies were incredible dancers. Ugly little aliens were endearing when dressed up as ghosties and flying through the air in the bike-basket of some kid named Elliot.  And Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no...eventually I figured out she was talking about drugs.  These were culturally specific gobs of information plunged down our throats as Americans.

But, I recall some other, rather chilling, bits of information as well.  When I was in 2nd grade the Cold War was in full swing.  We gathered twice a year in the auditorium to learn about The Russians and what the Red Hoard was planning and plotting against the 'innocents' of the United States.  We had air raid drills.  I still remember the procedure.  We lived a comparatively short distance from a nuclear war-head plant.  We were taught that when a low flying airplane flew near, it was likely the Russians coming to bomb us.  We knew that if the Russians hit the war head plant, that based on the number of gas pipelines and the layout thereof, we could expect to be blown to bits within 17 minutes.  The low fliers would drop paratroopers that would come to attack the people on the ground, pillaging and raping little white girls.  Obviously to this day, I'm still a little frightened by the sound of a low flying aircraft...even the cropdusters.  Trust no one, right?

I also recall, rather sadly, what they taught us about the Indians that lived in our neck of the woods.  The Comanche, The Cheyenne, and The Kiowa.  I recall these tribes specifically because they were the ones singled out as violent amongst the Plains dwellers.  They didn't teach us about the inherent beliefs of the Tribes-people.  They simply taught us whether a group was likely to have murdered, raped or scalped the White settlers.  Classy.  And obviously terribly important for me to know as I've gone through life.  My elementary school principal, Mrs Minyen, (I never cared for her,) once told me I was lucky I was born with brown hair.  They would've ignored me.  But, my best friend, with her pretty blond hair, they would've killed her and taken her scalp as a trophy.  Can you imagine telling students something like that?

I won't even go in depth about what we were taught about African-Americans.  Heck, we didn't even call them THAT.  I'll just say that one of my good friends growing up...well, his name was Nigger-Bob.  It was a very different time.

It's the axiom of lies.  It really is.  That sounds like a paradox, but that's only because it is. 
As an adult, I've been able to figure out the basic truths I need to make wise and intelligent choices about people. It makes me sad to think that there are parents teaching their children the same garbage we were taught as kids. 

It's ok to question what we're taught.  It's ok to do our own research and it's ok to peel back a few layers on the ol' historical onion.  History is written by the survivors.
Survive your school years and get yourself an education...and infuse it with a touch of tolerance.

My Hero? Optimus Prime

I'm feeling a bit rough as of late.  My life is spinny and a bit swirly...and I mean that in the sense that it fells like my head is actually stuck in an endless cycle of toilet flushes.  Pain and hurt seem rather rampant right now.  Not just in my world, but in the world as a whole.
It's the tough times like these, that force me back to my roots.  To the philosopers of my youth.
When I was a kid I watched Transfomers on Saturday morning.  Personally I preferred the much sillier cartoons like Looney Tunes or Smurfs. But I was drawn to Transformers for one reason.  Optimus Prime.  I would sit through a whole episode just to hear one pearl of wisdom from Optimus Prime.  Prime was the leader of the Autobots (those were the good guys.)  They were usually waging battle against the evil Decepticons.
Prime was depicted as a brave, powerful, wise and compassionate leader who put his talents to use improving the universe around him. Portrayed as having a strong sense of justice and righteousness and dedicated to the protection of all life, particularly the inhabitants of Earth.

My hero. 
I present to you the following list of Prime-isms.  Learn them.  Love them.  Live them.  It's not a request.  It's an order.

'The greatest weakness of humans is their hesitancy to tell others how they love them while they're still alive.'  The time is truly now.  I'm a firm believer in saying words of edification and affirmation when they surround me.  I want the people in my life to know how I adore them.  We have to say it.  Quit reading and go say it.  Go. Now.  I'll wait.

“Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.”  Sam, a human, continues to party it up during a Decepticon invasion...A DECPETICON INVASION!  Prime, in his wisdom speaks these words to him, urging him to stop his foolishness and take up his calling and help save the earth and all its inhabitants.  I'm sure that at some point, we've all discovered this to be true and accurate.  Seldom are we given a choice concerning our fate.  It's going to happen.  It's a much smoother ride if you flow with it.

“Sometimes even the wisest of men and machines can be in error.”  Every once in a while, we just screw it up.  Usually, our intentions are solid, but our methods aren't.  Optimus locked up the Dinobots, who actually saved the Autobots and the earthlings.  He confesses his mistake as soon as he realizes it.  Get around to the admission of the mistake as quickly as you can.  Don't be too harsh with yourself.  We all do it.  It's ok.

"Like us, there’s more to them than meets the eye."  Oh, Optimus.  How I love that you can see inside the souls of men.  Always pondering on the hearts. 

And finally:
“Until that day… till all are one.”In 1986, at the end of the Transfomers movie...the cartoon movie, a dying Optimus Prime addresses the Autobots with these final words as he hands the Matrix over to Ultra Magnus. 

Some day...some day, we'll live as one.  I truly believe this.  We'll get it right.  There is hope for mankind yet.  We are good.  If we just keep working together and helping one another. It may sound juvenile and adolescent...I suppose in many ways it is. 
But, from the silly Saturday morning routine of this little girl, came a wealth of information and wisdom. 
His words...they aren't so very unlike the words of Buddha, or Mohammad, or even Jesus. 
I honor them all.
Who said TV was bad for you?

I'll have the Sirloin with a Side of Quantum Reality

The way the world...IS.  That's the definition of quantum reality. 

To this I put my thumb to ths tip of my nose, fingers extended upward, waggling back and forth, tongue protruding, and I blow the proverbial raspberry...pppttthhhbbbt. 

I think the world is what WE...make of it.  This is going to get thick before it gets clear.  Try to keep up.

Scientists don't seem to have a singular view of life 'as it is.' Instead they seem to have 8...yes, 8 ideas of "quantum reality." These eight views of reality are each different. Yet all are considered valid, or at least successful in terms of explaining experiments.

And here they are for your digestion:

• There is no deep reality.
• Reality is created by observation.
• Reality is an undivided wholeness.
• Reality consists of a steadily increasing number of parallel universes.
• The world obeys a non-human kind of reasoning.
• The world is made of ordinary objects.
• Consciousness creates reality.
• The world is twofold, consisting of potentials and actualities.

Blah...blah...blah.
They call this whole shootin' match...'Common Sense Science.'  The majority of leading modern physicists seriously believe the first view; "There is no deep reality" and claim that there is no objective reality.  For them, 'physics is not physical, but ....metaphysical.' 

And with a little 'ting' of my ghanta bells, I have slipped into a parallel universe. My head hurts in this universe.  But, I hang out because it must have something for me to learn.

Let me introduce you to a man named Erwin Shrodinger.  Shrodinger, back in 1935,  placed a cat, along with a closed flask containing a poison, in a sealed box shielded against environmentally induced quantum decoherence (outside influences to you and me.)
If an internal Geiger counter detected radiation, the flask shattered, releasing the poison that would kill the cat.  One interpretation, the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, implies that after a while, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, when we open the box, we see the cat either alive or dead, not a mixture of alive and dead.  Are ya' still with me?

At the time Schrodinger created the experiment it was often said in physics that an 'intelligence' was required to collapse the probabilities in QM.  This view was taken to the extent that one prominent physicist stated that 'the moon is not there if nobody is looking.'  Again, I blow the raspberry.
Schrodinger's cat is an attempt to show the stupidity of this view.
You can reduce the experiment to nonsense by suggesting, for example that if the experiment is filmed and the film is stored and only looked at a week later, does the probability collapse then...or when it was filmed!!?
AND WHAT HAPPENS IF NO ONE EVER WATCHES THE FILM?  IS THE POOR CAT SUSPENDED FOREVER?   PLEASE!!   SOMEONE...ANYONE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE DEITY THESE NERDS DON'T BELIEVE IN, OPEN THE BOX AND CHECK ON THE CAT!

I took just enough Quantum Physics in college to hold my own in a conversation, but not to really know what I'm talking about.

But, I think I can I can decipher this whole verschränkung. That's a joke.  Look it up.

Sometimes we have choices to make.  Tough ones.  Simple ones.  Sometimes we get to make them with other people.  But, usually we have to make them alone.  And sometimes...we don't make them.  It's rather scary to think that making the choice, might just kill the cat.  Understand what I'm saying here?  For someone like me, it's easy to open the box and determine the state of the cat.  My curiosity, if you'll allow, forces me to open the box and gaze upon the cat.  My need for clarity, context and definition insists upon it. 
I think inherently, we all want to know 'what's up' with the cat.  We can't NOT look at the moon to see if it's there. 
Make the choice.  Take the plunge. Man up.  Is it a new relationship?  A new job?  A move to a new city or state?  Maybe it's just a choice as to how you'll have your sirloin cooked.  Just choose.  You can do it.  The choice is only made when we open the box. 
Sort of a non-quantum mechanics, 'pee or get off the pot.'  Forgive me.  I was actually raised in a barn. 

Speaking of barns, I take my sirloin medium rare...and you?