Learn A Little Texan

It was recently brought to my attention that I talk funny.  That may could be. I make no bones about the fact that I am a Texan.  Proud and strong.  As independent as the Great State, itself.  But, on the frozen tundra of Northern Minnesota, the people don't seem to properly appreciate my 'accent.' This coming from people who say such clever things as, "Oh, yah, ya bethchya'.  Or "Sven and I are  gonna take my boot oot on da lake, tomorroo." Or, "Did ya hear the one about Ole and Lena?"  I still haven't figured out "Uffda."  I'm not sure even THEY know what they're saying. 
Don't misunderstand my scathing review of the local nomenclature.  It's just, quite simply, not mine.  Not my native tongue.  And as mine is not thier's, we do not understand one another with the simplicity and ease afforded to cultural siblings.

So, in an effort to alleviate some of the frustrations presented when a Yankee is having a tough time deciphering my vernacular, I present to you a Bridget-English translation guide.
NOTE: This is a handy guide to use with all Texans.  While traveling in Texas, please feel free to carry this handy guide with you - trust me, you will need it.

When one travels abroad, it is usually wise to learn a few words and phrases in the native language. It is also wise to learn a little about the native culture to make you appear less touristy.
For example, should you choose to make Texas your travel destination, you should know that Texas was once its own country called the Republic of Texas.  Most Texans do not yet realize this is no longer the case. They are very sensitive about their homeland. Tread lightly.  At any point we decide to, we can legally and willfully secede from the Union and become our own country once again.  Of course, that would send the Union into a financial black hole, as Texans enjoy being a rather wealthy lot. So, we're not likely to secede, as we are a gracious people and we like knowing that y'all need us.

Texans speak a form of English (pronounced "Ainglish" in Texan), so the language should not be too much of a barrier. There are a few key differences, though. For example, I do not find the title, "Learn A Little Texan" to be ambiguous for English speakers, but it may be for a speaker of Texan (prompting one to go meet a shorter Texas native).  These are the subtleties that you need to master before your trip to the Lone Star State.  Or before you attempt to speak to a Texan.  We have no desire to learn your language.  But, it's in your best interest to learn ours.

Ah - (ah). The letter "I" or the sound produced by the long "i", as in ahce (ice), tahr (tire), lahk (like), or mah (my).

All git out - (all-git-out). To a great degree, exceedingly, or as much as possible, as in, "She was madder'n (see 'n below) all git out!"

Bald - (bald). Boiled, as in, "Cook me up a hard bald egg."

Big'o - (big-oh). Big ol', big ole, or big old, as in, "That sure's a big'o truck."

Caw - (caw). Call, as in, "Caw may (see may below) later."

Done - (dun). Done, completed, broken up, or tired, as in "the chicken's done", "we're done", or "I'm done."

Ev'thang - (ev-uh-thang). Everything, as in "Is ev'thang ah'ite (see ah'ite above)? See also thang below.

Fixin' - (fix-in). About, when used with to, pronounced "tuh", as in "I'm fixin' tuh go to the game." Or, the whole of the side dishes included with a meal when made plural "fixins", as in "We're havin' turkey and all the fixins."

Gimme - (gi-mee). Give me or give to me, as in "Gimme a break."

Get/Got on at - (get or got-on-at). To gain or to have gained employment from, as in, "Johnny's gonna' (see gonna' below) try to get on at the feedlot next week," or "Johnny got on at the feedlot last week."

Gonna' - (gun-uh). Going to. See get/got on at above.

In'thang - (in-uh-thang). Anything, as in "Do we need in'thang from the store?"

Jeetjet - (jeet-jet). Did you eat yet(?), as in, "Jeetjet? Squeat." (See squeat below).

Kicker- (kick-ur) The deciding or utmost motivating factor, the last and typically most persuasive reason or argument. As in..."and now here's the kicker..."

 

Libel'ta - (libel-tuh). Liable to, or, more appropriately, likely to, as in "He's libel'ta go off and do sumpin' (see sumpin' below) stupid."

May - (may). Me

'n - (un). Than, when following a descriptive, as in "bigger'n Dallas" or "madder'n all git out (see all git out above)."

Nuttin' - (nut-in). Nothing, as in, "I ain't got nuttin'."

O' - (o). Ol', ole, or old, an article like "the" or "a", especially when applied to persons or animals, as in "O' Scooter is good o' boy (or dog)."

-Off - (off). A condition or state of being when appended to the end of a descriptive, as in "The doc says Jim's pretty bad-off." Others include good-off, well-off, and the more familiar ticked-off, hacked-off and, of course, p'd-off.

-Out - (out). Appended to a verb to form seemingly interchangeable present tense descriptives, as in wore-out, give-out, plum-out. "He's plum wore out!"

• Note: for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in wore-out (not worn out).

Ov'air - (ohv-heir). Over there, as in, "Where are my shoes? They're ov'air."

Piddlee/Piddlee'o - (pid-lee/pid-lee-oh). Small, or a small amount, as in "Ain't you just a piddlee'o thang."

Place - (place). A particular though perhaps undefined parcel of property often preceded by a proper noun to provide definition, as in "the o' (see o' above) Johnson place." Not to be confused with the English slang "place" meaning residence, as in "my place" or "your place". If you want to invite a Texan over to your "place" and the "place" to which you are refering is a 400 sq. ft. apartment, expect to be escorted to the nearest state line.

Plum- (plum) totally or completely.  As in, "She's the plum best friend I ever had."

Purt/Purtee - (pert or perty). Pretty. Omit the last syllable when preceding a descriptive, "Joe's purt well-off (see -off above)," pronounce the last syllable when referencing attractivness, as in "She's show 'nuff (see show 'nuff below) purty!"

'R - (are). Our. (not to be confused with "are". )

The Republic of Texas.

    

   

   

 

Show 'nuff - (show-nuf). Sure enough, an intensifier (see "She's show 'nuff purty" above) or state of agreement, as in "That was some good fishin' today, wat'nit (see wat'nit below)? Show 'nuff."

Squeat - (squ-eet). Let's go eat, as in "Hungry? Squeat."

Sump'in' - (sum-pun). Something, as in "Sumpin's gotta' give."

Swate - (swate). Sweet, as in "Gimme' (see gimme above) a large swate tay (see tay below)."

Tak'n'ta - (take-un-tuh). Taking to, to have commenced or begun to enjoy, as in "He's tak'n'ta drinkin' again" or "She's really tak'n'ta him."

Thang - (thang). Thing. A universal pronoun, as in "little o' thang" or "ugly o' thang".

-Up - (up). Appended to the verb form to connote a final or conclusive condition or state of being, as in "He's gussied-up." Others include fired-up, worked-up, tied-up (not literally tied up as with ropes or chains, but similar to eat-up, see eat-up), cowboyed and/or cowgirled-up, bowed-up (agitated and aggressive or threatening).

• Note: as with -out above, for the present perfect tense of verbs ending in "n" or "en", drop the "n", as in eat-up (not eaten-up) and tore-up (rather than torn-up, meaning emotionally wounded not ripped).

Up'dee - (up-dee). Uppity, insolent as in "You better quit bein' up'dee with your momma."

Var'mit - (var-mit). Varmint, any small animal particularly when being hunted, as in "Me and o' (see o' above) Jack went var'mit huntin' this mornin'."

Wud'nit - (wud-nit). Wasn't it(?), an interrogatory typically appended rhetorically to a statement where only agreement is sought, see show 'nuff above.

-Way - (way). Similar to -off above, as in "He's in a purt (see purt above) good-way."

Whole 'nuther - (hole-nuther). A whole other, an indicator of something altogether differen, as in "That's a whole 'nuther can o' worms."

Yankee - (yank-ee). Any person born north of the Canadian River

Yer - (yer). Your.

Yonder - (yon-der). An indication of any direction or any location other than the location of the speaker, typically following a modifier, as in "up yonder", "down yonder", "out yonder", "in yonder", "over yonder", and, when appropriate, "under yonder". Shakespearean English ain't got nuthin' on Texan.

Rules to Remember:

Should you ever find yourself in Texas without an English-Texan dictionary or standing next to Bridget when she's talkin' to fast, here are five simple rules to remember, and possibly save your hide.

1. Shed Syllables. In almost any three syllable word, you can contract out any vowel from the middle syllable to make a two-syllable word and sound more Texan.

• Examples: Italy = It'ly, Florida = Flor'da, Johnathan = John'than, Melody = Mel'dy.

2. Forget the G's. Never, ever pronounce the "g" in words endin' in "ing". This is a dead giveaway that you are a Yankee cruisin' for a bruisin'.

• Examples: Fishin', Cookin', Readin' and Writin'.

3. "L's" Are Optional. Ignore "L's" following vowels in the middle of words or simply replace them with "W's".

• Examples: Light Bub (Bulb), Code (Cold) Outside, and Caw (Call).

4. Wing It (If You Dare). Let the metaphors fly. Texan is nuttin' if not colorful, so go to town, make stuff up, invent words if you must. Alliterate, elaborate, and incorporate.

• Examples: "Heck, it's hotter'n a hog on a hot plate." Why not? Sounds Texan to me. You can also compare anything to a 3$ bill (weirder'n a $3 bill), add "fire" to any exclamation ("Crap fire boy, what's the matter with you?"), or make up inoffensive swear words (dad gum it, gosh darn it, dag nab it, dad blazes, frog-slappin', etc.).

5.  Your parents are ALWAYS Momma and Daddy.  It doesn't matter how old you are. They are always momma and daddy. End of story.

6.  Know When to Fold 'Em. One of the most popular bumper stickers in Texas reads "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could."
Excuse me while I laugh at you.  You're not a Texan. There is no citizenship test, membership card, or minimum residency requirement. You either are privileged enough to have been born in the Republic of Texas or not. It's okay if you weren't, just accept it. Go ahead, root for the Cowboys, wear your cute little outfits at the honky tonks, and display your bumper stickers. You are always welcome, you're just not a Texan...just be grateful you know one.